I need to get off my A$$ (Word-full Wednesday)

             I really don't know what to say or do here anymore... So much has happened in the past four months and I feel like I have gotten nothing done. I have paint cans sitting on the front porch and boxes stacked to the ceiling in various corners of my "new" home. I am overwhelmed by the painting, fixing and the unpacking that needs to be done. I made the comment the other day that when we moved I left all of my domestication at the old house. H agreeing said that I don't do shit anymore. I know haven't washed a dish unless I needed it. I have had to buy 1,000 paper plates I am currently twitching my nose (it's not working) at that pile of clean laundry on the couch no one ever uses. It is all pretty sad. I want to unpack but as soon as I do I run across a photo or t-shirt and break down into tears over my mom. It really doesn't help that my Grandmother came by and unloaded all of my mothers things under my carport. I made H put everything but the photos in the shed. I don't know whats wrong with me. This move was supposed to make me happy and it has in a way but it has also made me as mad as a hornet. I hate the new school, both of my honor roll students are bring home test grades that are D's and I don't know what to do about it. I like the fact I know where I am going when I need to go somewhere. My aunt has moved closer to us which is pretty nice seeing how the girls love to spend time with her. But something just feels off. At least at the old house I didn't know anyone so I didn't mind being home all day or not seeing grown-ups but now we are close to everyone and we still don't see them or talk to out friends who live 15 minutes from us now. It also might be the fact that I hate at least one half of all the couples that we know or the fact that I am not a day time drinker (if any) that some people tend to be. It just feels like I am living in a big mess of drama and junk. So I guess I better go fake clean the kitchen and stop bitching about everything and just do it! 

I need to get off my A$$ (Word-full Wednesday)

             I really don't know what to say or do here anymore... So much has happened in the past four months and I feel like I have gotten nothing done. I have paint cans sitting on the front porch and boxes stacked to the ceiling in various corners of my "new" home. I am overwhelmed by the painting, fixing and the unpacking that needs to be done. I made the comment the other day that when we moved I left all of my domestication at the old house. H agreeing said that I don't do shit anymore. I know haven't washed a dish unless I needed it. I have had to buy 1,000 paper plates I am currently twitching my nose (it's not working) at that pile of clean laundry on the couch no one ever uses. It is all pretty sad. I want to unpack but as soon as I do I run across a photo or t-shirt and break down into tears over my mom. It really doesn't help that my Grandmother came by and unloaded all of my mothers things under my carport. I made H put everything but the photos in the shed. I don't know whats wrong with me. This move was supposed to make me happy and it has in a way but it has also made me as mad as a hornet. I hate the new school, both of my honor roll students are bring home test grades that are D's and I don't know what to do about it. I like the fact I know where I am going when I need to go somewhere. My aunt has moved closer to us which is pretty nice seeing how the girls love to spend time with her. But something just feels off. At least at the old house I didn't know anyone so I didn't mind being home all day or not seeing grown-ups but now we are close to everyone and we still don't see them or talk to out friends who live 15 minutes from us now. It also might be the fact that I hate at least one half of all the couples that we know or the fact that I am not a day time drinker (if any) that some people tend to be. It just feels like I am living in a big mess of drama and junk. So I guess I better go fake clean the kitchen and stop bitching about everything and just do it! 

What's going on..

I haven't been here in months, I shut down my shop over a month ago. I haven't been on twitter or facebook as much as I was before.  I would like to say it is because I have been busy packing or working on other things but I can't. I have just been a lazy/detracted mood. So much has been going on but I have just stood here and watched things pass me by. I am always too tired to even get dressed anymore and I know that's a sign of depression but I am not as much as depressed as I am overwhelmed. In one month my whole world has been flipped over and I still haven't figured it all out. Before my mom had passed I found a home, but I wasn't sure if we could get it due to time and money but we did and it is over 100 miles from where we are now. I am excited and very nervous all at the same time. I HATE moving and giving things away. When I was a kid we moved all the time so now I have none of my childhood things due to yard sales. I said I would never do that to my kids things, but some of this stuff is just taking up space. I also hate making the kids transfer schools, my oldest would be in a new school this year anyway so she is taking it okay but my second grader is pretty upset about it all. The new place is smaller and the boys will have to share a room, it is also an older home and will need much renovation. But that is one of those things I LOVE to do.  I am hoping my new post will be of me and some new keys in my hand. Until then I better back I have 11 days to pack 11 rooms and all the outside toys. Great fun...

  

What's going on..

I haven't been here in months, I shut down my shop over a month ago. I haven't been on twitter or facebook as much as I was before.  I would like to say it is because I have been busy packing or working on other things but I can't. I have just been a lazy/detracted mood. So much has been going on but I have just stood here and watched things pass me by. I am always too tired to even get dressed anymore and I know that's a sign of depression but I am not as much as depressed as I am overwhelmed. In one month my whole world has been flipped over and I still haven't figured it all out. Before my mom had passed I found a home, but I wasn't sure if we could get it due to time and money but we did and it is over 100 miles from where we are now. I am excited and very nervous all at the same time. I HATE moving and giving things away. When I was a kid we moved all the time so now I have none of my childhood things due to yard sales. I said I would never do that to my kids things, but some of this stuff is just taking up space. I also hate making the kids transfer schools, my oldest would be in a new school this year anyway so she is taking it okay but my second grader is pretty upset about it all. The new place is smaller and the boys will have to share a room, it is also an older home and will need much renovation. But that is one of those things I LOVE to do.  I am hoping my new post will be of me and some new keys in my hand. Until then I better back I have 11 days to pack 11 rooms and all the outside toys. Great fun...

  

Busy...

                  I fixed my blog back to its old self and gave up on the name change. I have so much going on this week I can't fool with it. I am more than freaking out because my son will be 1 friday and I don't have anything ready its just all sitting in bags on my dresser. So I am going to take a major break from Blogger-Etsy-FB and Twitter to do b-day stuff and update his room. Maybe I will have something to really blog about when I come back. 

                           

Why do I get the shakes when I coupon?

                   Sometime last month I mentioned I was going to not spend any money, well I kinda failed at that. But I did deal search and only paid 62 cents for 3 packs of tp & 3 things of dish soap I also scored a few free items. But now I have a mini stock pile and I have no desire to be a hoarder I am already getting kind-of close to one. So as crazy as this will sound to stockpiling moms I am going to not buy any tp, dish soap or shampoo in March. I like the deals I get couponing but I hate how crazy it makes me! I always seem to start shaking and getting confused when it comes time to check out, I also drove 20 miles to get free finish. I saved $184.00 yesterday and spent around $60 not including the crazy gas prices! But now I have 3 boxes of finish, 1 bottle of cascade, 9 bottles of dish liq, 4 packs of tp & well over 300 diapers (I only paid around to $26 for all of those items) But I am looking a bit crazy and running out of room. I also have to find a way to get my husband to stop spending so much. I swear him going to work cost more than he gets paid, between gas, lunch and him smoking he seems to spend close to $100 a week. In March we have a 1st birthday party to plan then Easter for 4 kids and after Easter we will have another b-day. Plus I have a $600.00 power bill to pay I am not sure why it is even that high because the heat wasn't even on half the month when the stupid breaker blew. But after Sunday I Have to stop spending and start saving for a vacation ,we haven't had one in over two years. Do any of you coupon? Does it make you crazy or is it just me? 

I don't wanna grow up...

                      Tomorrow is my husbands birthday which means 6 months from today will be mine. I honestly dread birthdays, especially my own. Its not so much the getting older part but its the gifts, stress, sadness and drama that comes with birthdays. I always try to make a big deal with the kids and my husbands birthday, we usually just stay at home but I always decorate and cook the persons favorite dinner and a cake. But it never fails to stress me out to the max. I don't care if I start planning 6 months ahead of time. By the end of it all I am sad because I end up forgetting about things like cards or taking pictures on the child's actual birthday. I also hate buying and receiving gifts. I try to keep a set number of items for each child , plus my older two have birthdays about two months before Christmas. No matter how hard I try I end up buying more crap that they do not need. 

          Maybe I should just grow up and remember that the gifts and decorations are not important but the time spent with them is what matters. Which sounds like a good idea, but the thought of that pisses me off again. Because for the past 4 years I have not seen my family on any of my kids birthdays. Its always just our kids H and maybe one friend of my oldest daughter. (I really don't know anyone that lives near me.) I know I am the one who moved away but it is still sounds unfair especially to the kids that were born after we moved. When my oldest two kids were younger we always had big parties and everyone came. For a few years we still went down to see my family but now that we have 4 kids it just doesn't happen anymore. I can't stay at any one's house due to room and a hotel is more money down the drain. I just really hate all of it, maybe I am just generally bitching about nothing.

                     

      

I am a statistic wrapped in a juice box!

      After a whole mess of baby daddy drama we split (I don't take returns). His father and sister saw the baby on the weekends and he ran the streets while I worked. Then I ended up trying to be 18 and went out after work some. Not the smartest thing, but I wanted a life. I didn't get in much trouble but had a few late nights. (I may skip a few things here but lets just say I did it again...) By 20 I had a son and was married. It didn't last long due to him being not ready to be married. So once again I was single but living in my own place with 2 kids and working 2 jobs paying daycare alone. I had gotten my ged because by this time I was to busy working so I could live. Yet I wasn't even bar legal yet!
         
                            Fast forward to 2011 my now half grown daughter is 10 and a honor roll student. She is healthy and knows I am much younger than other parents. I am now married to a man who is not the babies father and my children understand that. We now have additional children, we were in a relationship before I was with the "baby daddy" so he knows most of my life story.

                     But whats was with this crazy-messed up-not so happy- life story? My reasons for posting this out in the open are number 1 I have never really told anyone much of this and I feel better to get it off my chest and number 2 I am sick of seeing and hearing how "Teen Moms" are perceived on television. There are a few different types of teen mothers. I know of a few that never grew up and they let their mothers take custody of the child or keep their baby but could care less about taking care of them. Some choose other options and move on to better themselves and some just do it all over again with the same dumb ass guy. Just last winter I went to the school for parents day and I was the only parent the other 2 that showed up where grandparents. I didn't know why until another little girl said to me... "Me and my three friends have something in common, our dads are in jail and we live with our grandparents." I was confused as was those poor little girls. Seems most of them had been legally adopted and their names changed. So I am pretty happy to say I wasn't a statistic in that area.

                       Now I do currently stay home with my younger children, due to money and I also already feel as if I don't spend enough time with them. If I had an away from home job I would be paying 200$+ in day care a week and my poor house would be in a wreck more so than it is.Unlike the girls on "Teen Mom" my hair isn't professionally colored, I haven't had my nails done in years and I don't buy clothes for myself. It isn't a money issue even though it would be better if I finished school and had a degree. But it is the matter of putting my kids first which is something I will and have always done. I also look and feel twice my age. I still get spoken to as a teenager when it comes to the school or random people who do not know me. I also almost feel like everything I do for my oldest I have to do it better to prove to her and the world that I am not 16 anymore. I am not proud that my life started at 16, I have missed alot of important things. I will always regret dropping out of high school and missing prom, I also dropped out of college because I had to move miles away due to rent. I do miss "home" and being a teen but I do not regret taking care of my responsibilities.

Here are a few statistics from candiesfoundation.org

• Fewer than half of teen mothers receive a high school diploma – fewer than 2% earn a college degree by age 30.

• Teen mothers face incredible challenges. They are more likely to be unemployed and live in poverty.

• 8 out of 10 fathers don’t marry the mother of their child.

• Daughters of young teen mothers are 3 times more likely to become teen mothers themselves.

• Sons of teen mothers are twice as likely to end up in prison.


I just may be a statistic but with this I am hoping some mother, daughter or teacher takes it to heart and talks to their child because mine didn't. Honestly sex was never talked about at home or school I still can't even say the word. I will say being a mom at Any age isn't a walk in the park but as a teen it is harder. I am pretty sure my sons won't end up in jail. The oldest is pretty darn smart when it comes to right and wrong. I am also damn sure my daughters will not get knocked-up because I will lock them in a room until they are done with college and make them wear ugly clothes as long as I can. As for the rest, what can you say. As for me I "chose" the path for my life now I just have to live it the best I can. Thanks for wasting you time here with me. I hope to post on a lighter note next time.
  XOXO

Mindless Tv and part 1..

                If you follow me on twitter you will know I watch a little bit of trash tv. I am not sure why I watch mindless television, I guess it is my only escape from my homebody life. Last night the show Teen Mom 2  premiered which is a follow up to season 2 of 16 and Pregnant. These shows always make me cry. Not only because I have a daughter, but because I was sixteen and pregnant.
                 

           At the age of only fifteen I got pregnant. It wasn't planned and no one would have ever guessed it. I attended a public junior high, had a tons of friends and never got into any real trouble. I went to class as always and I never told a soul in my school. I managed to get medicaid for me and the baby, all it required was a form that I could return by mail. I picked out a doctor and made an appointment. All without a guardians consent. At this time my parents lived in separate houses so neither one was ever around me that much. In ninth grade I fell behind and had to fill a credit in summer school. The first day of summer school was June 12th. That morning as my mother was backing out of her drive I grabbed the shifter and I slammed the car in park. She proceeded to back up again with only giving me a look, then I did it again this went on for two more times until she finally said, "Whats wrong?" I burst into tears. Then she flat out said, "Your pregnant." not a question, a statement. She didn't seem mad or shocked it was like she knew. I will say I was not the first teen I knew who had gotten pregnant but surely the most unexpected. I honestly thought I couldn't get pregnant and he didn't,* (you know).

           One of the reasons I told my mother was because his father knew, and made it my responsibility to tell my parents also my appointment was that week. So after our short conversation that took place in the car. She went on and took me to summer school then went to work and called everyone in our family. That Friday was my appointment. I was scared to death. I had never even been to that type of doctor. As soon as I got back to his office the questions started; Did you know? How old is he? Does he know? Have you done drugs? Have you been tested? Do your parents know him? I felt like I was going to die. Then came the exam and I knew I was going to die. It was the most painful thing I had ever felt. During the exam the doctor made the remark, "I could probably feel it's head." *As of this moment my mother did not know how far along I was. But I had a pretty good idea.* After he did the exam the nurse took me to have an ultrasound to confirm how far along I was and if the child was fully developed. I saw a little black and white blob of static and heard a heartbeat that was beating almost as fast as mine. My mom wasn't in the room. I am pretty sure the doctor took her to discuss my options.

                   When I was done they gave me a few photos and a bag with tums and prenatal vitamins. I went to the front window and made my next appointment, which wasn't easy seeing how I had to make it for a time I wasn't in school and my mother could get off. After that I walked out worried anyone who saw what was in my hand would know my little secret. We got in the elevator; which is the worst place for two people who never speak to be alone it. After the door closed and we stood alone she said the question I will never forget  "You are going to give it up right?" I started crying after being as calm as I could, for what felt like a lifetime in that office. Then I started yelling at her about my older sister who she gave custody up to her father when she was only two. We proceeded to her car, she drove to my aunts house, they talked in the kitchen for what felt like hours. I went and sat by the pool until it was time to go home. I didn't speak to anyone for the rest of that night.

    *You may comment as you please. I will finish this story throughout the week.*

Living the Glamorous Life

      I have this friend who has a sweet job, a cool son and a steady man. She used to live her life through me seeing how I was the first to get married, buy a house, have a baby and so forth. So like a fool she thinks I know everything there is to know about life. So when I call her to speak to someone besides Dora, she starts to bitch about having find work appropriate top and having to get dolled up at 6am everyday. Then whenever I say something like I want a paying job or remark her going out and her mother watching her son. She says something smart-ass like "But then you can't stay home and expect your bills to get paid." or "We can't all be stay at home mommies." Her comments make it sound like I am Betty Draper tossing back cocktails and getting my hair done then after that I dash home just in time for my husband to bring me a new set of pearls and the nanny has dinner on the table. The truth is I haven't had a drink or my hair done in 23 months and I don't think I have ever gotten a gift for no reason at all much less a nanny! Which would sound glamorous to me but ya know between all the soaps, bon bons and manicures someone has to take care of the laundry, dirty diapers & dishes.

        So what do I do all day? Not much of anything, because after I clean up the oj, pick up the pajamas off the bedroom floor, wash the wet bedsheets, feed the baby, wash dishes, clean up whatever random lotion/makeup/marker the 3yo has gotten into, all while holding a fussy baby and talking to whatever random person who just called me like I have time to chat. Then I get to prep dinner, help with homework, cook, watch them eat dinner (for I am too busy bouncing a baby and chasing cups and spoons that fly off the table), bathe 4 kids, wash clothes, get them in bed, feed the baby and pick up the kitchen again. At some point I pass out on the couch just to wake at 2am to feed the baby and get pissed because I see drinks still on the table from last night so I have to pick them up. By then I am too exhausted and annoyed to do anything else! Now don't get me wrong my house is far from spotless, it will never be model home clean but I am very good at fake cleaning and organizing mess.

   I know some people may think, "That's a lot of work, if you was such a bother to you than why did you have so many kids?" I didn't have "so many" kids I had just enough. Any mother would understand that. I love being here for all of my children everyday, having dinner all together at home and not having to worry about having enough sick days to get off  to see their play or honor roll assembly.

The truth is I get a lot of other remarks or "ohs" about being a stay at home mom, like it is such a shock to see a mother stay with her children during the day in the 21st century. I am not lazy or uneducated, It honestly started out as an maternity thing with child number 3 then we moved and it was cheaper to stay home than the price for child care and gas. One day I will get everything cleaned and organize the way I want. I may even get a paying job if my next get rich fast plan doesn't work out. But as for right now I like being a stay at home mom, pony tail, diaper cream manicure and all.